i am tired.. i am rly tired.
so tired that... i suddenly cried when i reached home today, infront of my mother.. and she was damn shock.

i dont even want to cry at all. esp not infront of my mother. i dont like it when she's worried for me, over.... anything.

out of so many many things, the only unrelated thing to this is work.
yet, my mother is asking me to quit. thats another reason why i dont want to cry infront of her. because... to her, work is a can have-can dont have kind of thing. while studies is a must. she know how much i love to work and yet.... it seem like without work, i'll have alot more time to myself.. (true but... will i still be happy? laughing the whole day?)

BUT.. to me, work is sth which i enjoyed alot.. and i rly think i can balance it well with other things. yet.. when something crops up, i cant anymore...

that coming day is the day i can have dinner with my whole family.. it has been 3 wks since i last had dinner with my WHOLE family.. and do you all know how much i look forward to it? and now, i cant have dinner with them on that day anymore. do you all know how sad i am? how fuck up i feel?

everytime, i'm the one giving way to all of you. yet, all of you took it for granted.. do you all know how hard it is to accomodate with others? and how hard it is... to keep trying to keep up with all the changes?

since last wk when i know my mom's off day, i alr looked so damn forward and now? one rly shouldnt have high hopes on anything.

i dont remember when's the last time i actually break down like that.. all these while, i tried to act like i dont care, i dont give a damn... yet, i mind alot..

dont tell me what to do anymore? dont expect me to behave like a child born with a silver spoon... because i'm not. i depend on myself for things that i want.. with my own hard earned money... yet, it seem like a foolish thing to do.. to all of you.

yes, to you all. but so?
you all dont know how happy i felt when i received my first pay and... how happy i am whenever it's pay day. although i admit, sometimes it's rly damn difficult to juggle between everything, but at least i tried. i could have just tell my mom i dont want to work anymore, and ask for pocket money. sth which they hope i do, but... yet i wish to be independent. seriously.. i dont envy those who get wad they want when they opened their mouth. not. at. all.

foolish it may seem but i'll perservere till the day i rly think i cant take it anymore..